


Head in the Game.

by CollieWolf



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Also might get a beta but the other tag stands for now, He/Himrey, M/M, Mainly just Benrey freaking out, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, They/Themrey, Won't be super shippy at first, no beta we die like men, unreality
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:15:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26417050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CollieWolf/pseuds/CollieWolf
Summary: Face to face with a god among aliens and no where to go. The Nihilith wasn’t supposed to be here yet. It does the only thing it can think.It grabs Benrey by his code and enters in.Benrey screams in pain that he can’t feel.
Relationships: Benrey & Bubby & Tommy Coolatta & Dr. Coomer & Gordon Freeman, Benrey/Gordon Freeman, Bubby/Dr. Coomer (Half-Life), Tommy Coolatta & Everyone, the Science Team and Benrey
Comments: 14
Kudos: 50





	1. The Monster opens his eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Formatting Errors](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24594271) by [anurasally (Angelcroc)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelcroc/pseuds/anurasally). 



> Trigger warning for Unreality  
> Benrey goes through what feels like a normal day. Gordon starts testing the game.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW- panic attack and brief possession

The distant sound of a blaring alarm clock cut through deep snores that filled Benrey’s apartment. Shifting as he sat up, he heard the soft thunk of his controller falling to the floor. Hissing a swift curse the security guard picked up the device and ran to his room to get ready for the day.

Button up the shirt, pull of the pants, struggle with tie and vest, then pull on socks and boots. He kept his weapons at the compound. Black Mesa didn’t like the idea of Benrey keeping a gun in his home.

The telltale sound of Tommy’s knock got Benrey’s attention, as it was quickly accompanied by a deep Boof. 

Hopping as he clicked his holster around his leg, Benrey took off to the door. The motions almost practiced with how many times the two repeated this morning routine. 

“Good uh, good morning Benrey!”

“Yo.”

“Woof”

“Sup.”

Benrey stood on his tiptoes and patted his friend on the head, then crouched down to pet the perfect dog that sat at Tommys feet. Tommy laughed as he tussled Benrey’s unkept mane (As unkept as short hair can be.) if only to remind him to grab his helmet. 

“Rude, you’re just gonna mess my hair up more dude.” He grinned as he reached over, nabbing the worn down armour. Tommy nabbed it and placed it on his head, clicking the small strap that sat under his chin for Benrey. No protests would be heard from the short man, Tommy liked to help, and he liked to touch. Benrey liked it when Tommy was happy, they were best friends after all.

Grabbing Benrey’s hand, Tommy pulled him out of his house and waited for the guard to lock his door. Then together they were off, heading down to the terminal to catch the tram into the deeper parts of Black Mesa. Like clockwork, they arrived just as the train pulled into station. Clambering on, they found their seats (no one sat there but Tommy and Benrey, they would be thoroughly threatened if they tried) and watched as Sunkist wagged his tail and then turned to return home. The perfect dog had his own schedule to take care of (mainly chasing squirrels and walking himself). 

“Ah, hello Tommy! Hello Barney!”

“Benrey.”

“Ah, hello Benrey!”

“Hello Mr. Coomer! Are you uh, are you excited about the test today?”

Bubby and Coomer sat in front of them, both glancing at each other.

“Why yes! That young upstart Gordon Freeman will be the one running the experiment. We have acquired a large sample of Xen crystal that he wi-”

“We’re both quite excited. Harold was told on good faith that us three will be helping the subject through the test. He stayed up late last night going through all the procedures. And Benrey, I heard you’ll be accompanying Gordon down to the chamber?”

Smacking his lips, Benrey blinked. “Yup. Gonna, gonna have to follow him.”

“Will you be following him into the chamber? Hel- I’m sure Gordon will be surprised if you do!”

Benrey nodded. “Yeah.”

Only when he felt his hand get squeezed did Benrey glance over at Tommy. A nervous but excited grin spread across his face. “B-Benrey I’m gonna. I’m gonna be helping the, I’m helping the big test! Benrey they’re-th” 

“I’m proud of you, bro. You’re uh, you’re gonna do great.”

“You’re gonna do great, Gordon.” Holding the headset loosely in his hands, Gordon Freeman (yes that’s his real name) prepared himself for entry. He was working with a VR company, testing both their new headset and full body tracking systems. That and their own port of Half Life, and he was testing their new ai tech. And he was going to do this all while live streaming.

He had a lot on his shoulders. He had to get this right.

Speaking of the stream, Gordon had to do an intro.

“Alright you guys todays a special stream. I’m working with a private group and I’m testing their new vr gear-” He was cut off by the doors in front of him shutting abruptly, then opening. “Okay I think that means the ai are all loaded and ready. So let me explain, I’m testing out some vr gear and this groups ai. It’s Half Life, in VR, and with ai. This is gonna be fun.”

Patting his cheeks, Gordon walked into Black Mesa.

Gordon, very clearly, had a lot of love for Half Life. The silent protagonist who goes through hell and comes out on top only to be thrown back into hell! The story was ingrained in his head, he knew all the ins and outs, he’s pretty sure that’s why he was chosen for this job.

Stepping out into the entrance of the building was a trip to say the least. He’d never gotten to play in vr before. Gordon glanced down at his virtual hands, watching as people rolled into the chat. Glancing around, Gordon walked towards the front desk.

“Hey I’m here fo-”

“We got another crash report rolling in.” Said the Barney. The stoic scientist behind him cursed briefly before turning to Gordon.

“Good morning, Dr. Freeman. You have quite the test today.”

“Sure do! I’m-”

“You best be going to the chamber.”

“Yeah but I want to talk to-”

“I can’t be bothered right now.”

“Fuck you, buddy!” Huffing like a small child, Gordon began to storm down the hall. Surely by now his viewers would be relentlessly mocking him. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence to be fair. He knew his chat loved him, but still they could act like the smallest of children when it came to funny interactions.

“Hi!”

Gordon stopped dead in his tracks. “Hello?”

“My names Tommy!”

Finally one of the ai. His chat had no choice but to believe him.

“Tommy? Where you uh, where you supposed to be? Heading to the breakroom?”

“Yeah, I like to read the billboards in there!”

“Billboards?”

“Yeah! Follow me!”

Tommy turned and all but ran down the hall, which in turn made Gordon chuckle. “Tommy’s like 5 I think.” He said as he tailed after the scientist.

After a brief and very quotable conversation with Tommy (I drink soda for lunch!) And an onslaught of people telling Gordon to kiss the ai, (I don’t have lips you guys! I can’t kiss right now!) Gordon made his way to the changing rooms.

Enter the only ai he had any knowledge on. Dr. Coomer.

“Ah, hello Gordon! Another day, another dollar am I right? Ha ha ha!”

“Hey Mr. Coomer! Another day, another dollar, just like we always say here at Black Mesa.”

“H-You best be getting in your HEV suit, Gordon! You have quite the test today!”

“Sure do!” He smiled as he nudged past the older man. 

“Well, good luck in the chamber!”

“Also, forgot to mention that media shares are on- please keep them appropriate to the scenes and stuff or else I will not be afraid to sk-” He quieted as he approached a guard. “Howdy, hey, hows it goin’ everyone.”

“Excuse me.”

Gordon turned.

“Hello?”

“Can I uh. Can I see your passport?”

“My what? You mean like a company id?”

The Barney stared blankly at him, then turned and marched to his pal that stood next to the door. “He doesn’t have his passport.’

They paused.

“Yeah he’s sayin’ your not allowed in here.”

“W-  _ look  _ at my  _ chest! _ ”

“What about it.” 

“I’m  _ in  _ the fucking HEV suit that’s as much ID as I’m ever gonna need am I- am I being held up here?”

“No uh, my friend here’s saying you aren’t supposed to be here he’s- oh my god he’s so pissed. I have to calm him down.”

“Wh-”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~”

“What was that.”

“Black Mesa uh,” the guard smacks his lips. “Sweet Voice.”

“Sweet Voice? Okay listen I have to get going, every scientist in the fucking building is rushing me into the test chamber right no-”

“It’s okay I’m just going to have to follow you.”

“That. Okay. Okay then let’s go.”

The chat was loosing it. There was a mix of “kill the pig” and “kiss him” filling the chat. As annoying as this Barney was he wasn’t about to take out a pistol in the elevator and shoot one of the ai he was supposed to be working with. 

“It’ll be faster if you jump down.”

“I’m sure it would but I’m not about to risk my-”

A cymbal crash sounded. Fuck they never took that out did they.

“Damn. Damn you wait for nobody, huh?”

“h̴̟̉ạ̶h̶̥͠ǎ̴̱ ̷͈͛H̶̨̏A̵̤̾H̶̟͂h̶̠͘ ̴̼̽H̸̗̄e̷̻͠h̸̦͐”

Okay. So the ai laughing is a little buggy! That is okay, they can fix that! Maybe.

“Gordon Sprint! Let me in- see!” Gordon motioned to the two barneys silently opening the door. “These guys aren’t asking for my id!”

“It’s cause they’re not thinking.”

“So you’re saying they’re bad at their job right in front of them, not c-”

“They’re thinkin’ about Froot Loops all day.”

“ _ Froot Loops?? _ ”

The heavy pause settled between them, broken only by the sound of an older scientist marching towards the pair. “Excuse me! Excuse me Sir? Sir you can’t be down here.”

“Yeah!”

“You can’t be down here you don’t have a Radiation Suit.”   
“YOU DON’T HAVE THE FUCKING IRADIATION GEAR YOU’RE GONNA DIE!”

“I have my, I have my ID.”

If the graphics were higher quality, Gordon would have seen the slight flash of recognition in the scientists eyes.

“Oh alright then.”

“W-”

Before he could protest, the doctor turned and stalked off.

“See wh. See what happens when you bring your ID and your Pass Port?”

Other than the very antagonistic security guard, everything was going normal. The computer exploded (“Shut the fuck- what is your problem?” was the only answer Gordon got from the scientist who had wormed his way inside.) and, after locking the guard in the hall, Gordon could proceed with the test.

“HOW the  **FUCK** -”

Okay so, apparently there are no predetermined deaths. Doesn’t mean two people had to be in the test chamber! Doesn’t mean this stupid gaurd had to get stuck on a ladder and protest his every move! Sure, Gordon knew that no matter what he did the test would go wrong. Even with the helpful tips the ai yelled at him through the broken glass window (Slower than molasses, drips off a spoon) things would go wrong. The resonance cascade was unavoidable, but the extra deaths didn’t need to happen.

The older scientist leapt through the window. The guard stood yelling at him from a few feet away.

Everything went green, and suddenly Gordon was faced with the good old fashioned loading screen.

Groaning, Benrey sat up. Okay so, big bad explosion make everything turn green and bad! His head hurt and his limbs ached as he sat up. At least he wasn’t going to be affected by the radiation or whatever freeman had called it!

Where  _ was _ Gordon? Did he run off? Trying to steal something?

“Are you that motherfucker that fucked up this whole experiment?”

There he was.

It took him a minute to get to his feet. It took a moment for him to recognize that he wasn’t actually hurt, his head was just projecting what he should feel. He began to stalk down the hallway right when the conversation shifted to him.

“You guys talkin’ about passport?”

“I- Gah!”

The softest of smirks graced Benrey’s face. Serves him right for not listening. He didn’t even listen to Tommy, man! That’s just. That’s just fuckin rude.   
Stalking behind Bubby, ignoring the fact that the man who looked like Coomer that was standing with them was dead- Benrey hummed. A soft tone of mustard yellow. A quick glance from Bubby who’s eyes narrowed in focus as he read the bubbles. An offered hand to hold if only for a minute. 

Bubby would never admit it in a hundred years, Benrey would hold that over his head forever.

Thank god the elevator worked.

Tommy was the next party member they picked up. With a quick warning of creatures ahead, and the sudden, massive gun Benrey had (Where did he? Get that? Gordon asked what it was and he panicked and called it a passport. Guess this is passport now.)

And then the- the two other scientists set on fire when he sung at them and he lied and said they didn’t have passport. Benrey was not having a good truth day and he was starting to panic.

Alone.

Alone was good.

Run ahead to be alone for a little bit sit in front of lasers as a funny joke! Very funny. They didn’t even hurt so it’s okay, yeah?

He heard them talking to Coomer. Okay, ready to scream.

“DUDE GET THE FUCK O-” “ **AAAAAAuGH** ”

As a joke he sung a few purple. Tommy new what it meant. Tommy would tell what it meant. When it’s purple, like the evening, of a spring evening, it means he’s okay. 

Then they raced to the elevator and Benrey thought he saw a dude standing in the line of the lasers but he wasn’t sure and his brain wasn’t allowing him to turn back.

And then after Gordon killed some guys. And then he got Benrey’s name and he made sure Bubby was actually Bubby. 

Tommy held his hand when he started getting more stressed. Things were moving too fast. Way too fast. Slow down pace please? 

Gordon didn’t listen. Gordon was uh. He was a speedrunning man. Go through as fast as you can get that Highed Score haha.

Benrey felt bad. His head was spinning and all the events of now were blurring together. Too much information to store. Reboot. Get rid of the unnecessary. Autopilot.

He felt sick after he drank like half a soda machine in under a minute.

He saw the man walking around in the walls. He saw him making more scientist. No one else did. He felt bad for calling Gordon’s son shit. He didn’t mean it. Hide in. The bathroom yeah get in the stall.

Click, click, click, goes the suit man putting more and more scientist in the bathroom.

“Shit-” Goes the suitman as he misclicks.

Out like a light when the explosion hits.

Face to face with a god among aliens and no where to go. The Nihilith wasn’t supposed to be here yet. It does the only thing it can think.

It grabs Benrey by his code and enters in.

Benrey screams in pain that he can’t feel.

The suitman watches, horrified. He doesn’t move to help.

Eyes. More eyes. More mouths. He could see so much and he could taste the air. The void he was trapped in filled with his sweet voice.

It was forcing him to think.

Expand his data to fit in another entity.

The Nihilith was the end boss of Half Life. It told Benrey to take it to Xen. Told him secrets about the G Man. The suit man. It knew things. It knew it was in a game.

_ Benrey _ knew he was in a game.

His programming forced him to his feet. He had to follow Gordon.

Benrey stared blankly at the ground as he dragged his feet out of the room. That room was bad. Very bad. 

Collapsing outside the door, Benrey closed his eyes, allowing himself to reset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! If you've read this before then you'll know I edited this first chapter completely! I'm a lot happier w it now ksdjlajsd, please leave any criticism you have in the comments, I want to make this as good as I possibly can!!!!!


	2. Beep goes the bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Benrey comes and goes. The ai becomes self aware  
> CW- Benrey becomes self aware in this chapter, the way it's written can be seen as a form of panic attack. Also there is character death but its okay he gets better

Gunshots. A strange foreign sound that bounced off the walls at a high speed. Benrey inhaled as Gordon screamed.

“What  _ IS  _ that? What-  _ please stop using that, pleas _ -” The noises grew louder as suddenly Bubby began to scream and run wildly around the room. “You call that a passport?” Gordon said, mimicking air quotes with his mitted player model. “Don’t shoot that again.”

Without thinking, Benrey moved forward. The laser sight on Gordons pistol crossed across his body. “Get oUT- you are in my line of sight. You are  _ in my line of sight. _ ” Understandable, he should probably get out of the way of the guy with a gun. “Don’t shoot me.”

“I’m not gonna shoot-”

Why is he walking at Gordon.

“Why are you shooting at me?”

“I’m-”

“I should’ve never let you in here.”

Gordon deflated. Mumbling something about him not having a choice on letting him in. In where? The test chamber? Black Mesa? Why are those the only things he can think about, these are all things from Half Life, right?

Then why can’t. Why can’t he think of anything besides Black Mesa. Why can’t he remember what he did before he started playing. Why is he still talking?

Gordon couldn’t see the panic that was clearly building up in Benrey’s eyes. Dull and unfocused as Freeman moved on to talk to Coomer.

He felt. Contact. Glancing down, he saw Tommy’s hand. Tommy and Benrey are friends. Tommy has a dog. Where’s Sunkist? Is he alright? Did he get hit with the big explosion thing? He was the perfect dog he should be okay, right?

Who the fuck is Sunkist.

Memories of a giant golden retriever came to his mind. A dog he was very acutely familiar with. He knew that he was very independent dog. He visited with Tommy a lot, Tommy made him but he never could figure out how.

He knew Tommy too. And Coomer. And Bubby. He knows Gordon because. You know. Famous Video Game Character. Was he like. Was he friends with the science team? Well yeah he was but.

Letting out a grumble, Benrey let a hand run up to his helmet. Letting his hand wander under.

“Benrey please don’t tug your hair. Can. Can I uh, hold your hand?”

He stood for a moment. Then nodded. They were friends. It felt wrong but his head told him they were friends. 

Tommy reached over and grabbed his hand, pulling it from his head. It took him a second to realize he had actually been tugging- he let his friend unravel his fingers. He let Tommy rub small circles in his palm. A deep sigh escaped him. 

“Are you alright?”

“Just. I let him in.”

“Are you. Oh Benrey this isn’t you! It isn’t your fault. They would have. They. They would have let him in even if you stopped him. None. None of this is any. None of us could have known this would have happened. Can I. Can I hug you?”

Benrey nodded. Tommy let go of his hand and wrapped his arms around the much shorter person. He let himself be held, reaching up and hugging his friend back. Why did. Were they talking about the resonance cascade? But. That was in the game. He-

He left out a soft note, watching as a stream of bubbles. Sweet Voice. Is that normal?

“Red to Navy means I’m upset because I’m weary. We’re. We’re going to get through this! We got. Coomer is really strong and Bubby has all his cool fire powers and Mr. Freeman is strong and he can help us get out of here!” 

Benrey nodded. Letting Tommy pull away. He offered his hand but Benrey shook his head.

“We can. I’ll be okay. If you say we’re gonna be okay we’ll be okay. Okay lets. We can catch up to the other guys now.”

-

“Welcome back you two.” Gordon glanced around as Benrey and Tommy rounded the corner from the area where you’re first introduced to the Houndeyes. “Where’d you go?”

“We uh. We were talking, Mr. Freeman!” Tommy rubbed his hands together as he spoke, avoiding eye contact as much as a polygonal model could. 

“About what?”

“About your uh. About lack of passport. Duh.” Benrey walked past him, shoving into the player model.

“Of course. Of course.” God this thing was sticking hard to its joke. Maybe it wasn’t a joke. EIther way, Benrey was very stubborn. It was kind of annoying to tell the truth. Thankfully Tommy wasn’t joining in the banter. Something felt a little off with Benrey though. Gordon couldn’t put his finger on it. He seemed, restrained. For all the time he knew the ai he didn’t act like this. But in the end, it wasn’t his problem, he was more focused on getting through this level. Currently it was like herding cats.

The beginning of the game was always a little stressful for Gordon, the introduction of all the various aliens, introductions to the puzzles, and now he had the added bonus of dragging the ai along with him. The cold halls were filled with yelling, choking, and gunshots. Along with the added fear of trying to keep himself alive, things were adding up to a very difficult playthrough.

At least the ai were okay, that was made very apparent by Benrey sitting on a barrel while a headcrab jumped at him. 

“Looks like you made a friend.”

The creature started screaming as it was suddenly set ablaze.

“Oh no.” The character smirked.

“I’m afraid of you. I am not ashamed to admit that.”

His chat will be going wild. They  _ were _ going wild. He could hear the donation music. They had to move on. Keep going. 

Rounding the corner of the fucking maze that Black Mesa was (although Gordon knew the way, he wanted to check out everything he could in VR) to see another scientist. Standing over a pile of skulls. God he forgets sometimes how weird this game could be.

“Are you- did.”

“What did you do. What did you do.”

Benrey began to front on the man (when did he get back? He wasn’t with the group five seconds ago, he was still sitting on the barrel right?)

“Okay this is.. This is something that calls for a group vote- everyone say aye if-”

A gunshot rang loud in his headset- causing him to startle.

“Aye, aye, aye..”

* * *

He shot a man. He fucking just shot a guy point blank between the eyes. “Are you okay?” He watched the blood drip down the wall, breath catching in his throat.

“Yeah check and see, check if he’s okay.”

“Check to see if he has a passport!”

Hands instinctively patted the prototype down. “Nope.”

“Ah! Then I think it’s good that he died!”

Gordon sighed deeply. “I think it’s bad that he died- he.”

“How many times did this guy die?” Benrey mused as skulls began to fall from the ceiling. Why was he not panicking. Why is this normal. Killing people wasn’t normal! But… Bubby looked. Grateful. He gave him a nod as Gordon turned around. This was one of Bubby’s prototypes, yeah? Then. Then they weren’t real people so it’s okay.

Tommy reached out but Benrey shook his head. He didn’t kill a real person because the real Bubby is right there.

While no one was looking Bubby gave him a quick hug.

“I think I’m ready to get rid of those pests.” Was all the older man said as he loaded his revolver.

* * *

Okay so. The ai have no remorse. And they have weird habits like. Repeating his name over and over and… cocooning dead things with a weird stream of bubbles. This is okay! Gordon is okay! These weird computer programs are awful but that’s why he’s playtesting them!

He just knew he wouldn’t be able to save any other npcs. After watching a “clone” (as Coomer called it) fly backwards after getting shot in the head, it was cemented in his mind. The affect was made all that much better as the scientist was sitting in a trash bin, causing the lid to slam shut. 

Alien after alien, they made their way further into the depths of Black Mesa. After a massive attack from a swarm of headcrabs and a minor argument with Benrey, he decided they needed a break.

“Green to blue… that means it’s nice to meet you!”

Especially because this was draining him at lightning fast speeds. He laughed at Tommy’s rhyme, curling up in a ball on the floor, muttering “fetal position” under his breath.

Overall, they had a pretty nice talk. They were only interrupted by a horrifying sound from Benrey followed by him shooting a pigeon. When did pigeons get added to Black Mesa? Tommy agreed to try a pistol when he got the chance, Bubby got set on fire. You know, the usual!

They moved on quickly, getting past a large pit (Both Benrey and Dr. Coomer fell in, but got back up almost instantly) as well as a few more physics puzzles.

As time went on he began to get increasingly frustrated. Sure, he did yell at Benrey (Who said his name was Stong?) about the passport thing but it was just a minor hiccup! He had more pressing matters to worry about! It’s not like he was going to die anytime soon!

A few loading screens later and a shot button proved futile to Gordon. Everything was fine! All the ai were alive and.

Fuck

Listen he didn’t expect Benrey to pass out under the door and get crushed! If he could interact with things then he would have pulled the guy out! But… the other 3 just stood and watched as his body lay there, ragdolled. 

“Tommy. Tommy why did you do that.”

“Instinct Mr. Freeman, I’m sorry-”

“He’s dead, Tommy. You killed him.”

“I said I’m sorry Mr. Freeman.”

“Sorry won’t bring him back from the dead. Just- just please be careful with doors from now on okay?”

Tommy nodded, looking back at Benrey. The shaking body gave a quick thumbs up before it vanished entirely.

Benrey would be okay. Benrey always came back.

Gordon carried on without even saying goodbye.

* * *

[accessing respawn point]

[error- respawn point not in loading distance]

[accessing respawn point- backup]

[access accepted]

[Welcome Back, Benrey]

Gasping for air even though he knows he doesn’t need it, Benrey threw his head up and blinked when he felt his head go flying off his shoulders. Right. Skeleton.

Fumbling around for his head would be a funny visual if anyone was around to see it- at least Benrey thought it would. Sticking his head back on his neck and looking around, Benrey had to figure out where he was. Outside- yes. He was definitely outside Black Mesa. Soldiers marching in a perimeter he was acutely familiar with, but at the same time not at all.

They completely ignored him, which was understandable- his model hadn’t completely loaded in.

His what? Trying to think about what he just said resulted in. Nothing. Grumbling to himself as he tried to think past the countless problems arising in his brain. Just- trying to think was difficult. He sat down, rubbing his temples (bone temples!) and focused.

Everything felt. Wrong. Off. 

Where he was felt wrong (Black Mesa was from a game- right?)

His name felt wrong (Benrey? Really? That couldn’t be real)

His friends felt wrong (They were nice but at the same time they all felt so unfamiliar)

Even his own body felt wrong; Case in point being all bones. 

He had respawned yeah? And... 

He’d only ever heard of people respawning in video games.

There was. No way he could be in a game, right?

Right?

His head began to fill with some kind of fog as he thought. (Fight through it)

The soldiers began to look a lot more polygonal. (Get through it)

He looked at his hands- flexing his fingers. Feeling the ground. Opening his jaw.

The fog cleared.

He was in a video game.

A long note that he knew to be the sweet voice escaped him as he began to breath harder. But he didn’t need to breathe. He wished Tommy were here. He was glad that he wasn’t. He wanted contact but contact felt bad.

His system was overriding itself- rewriting functions as he shivered- panting. He grabbed at his skull, gritting his teeth as he felt code moving. It was uncomfortable, but not painful. Thank god it wasn’t painful.

It took what Benrey would guess about 30 minutes before the fuzz calmed down. He felt. Nothing. But he felt too much all the same. He was overwhelmed. He needed to find Tommy.

“FUCK THE TROOPS!”

Or maybe Tommy would find him. 

Ope! That sure is. Some bombs. Time to bounce-

Benrey began to run towards the building, probably a little too careless as he ran right past Gordon. 

“HOLY SHIT A S _ KELETON _ ”

Th. That was fucking hilarious holy shit. He would laugh if he had any lungs. He didn’t have much time though, he couldn’t lose the group. He needed to see Tommy.

He thought about how to get to them, follow them down through the stairs? It’d be hard to catch their attention like that though. 

He wished he could noclip.

As he thought about it, he felt suddenly lighter. Testing his luck, he placed his foot more firmly on the ground and found it gave way. Hm. Wait are they in GMod? That would be funny. Stuck in GMod Half Life.

He needed to get ahead of his friends. Stop thinking about GMod.

It was hard to locate them, the group was fast moving after all. He had to go quite a ways to be able to pop out from around the corner. 

“What is that.”

The group paused in their tracks, staring at his skeletal form. He opened his mouth to say, anything really, but instead of words, a silent stream of sweet voice escaped him.

“Hello?” Gordon raised his arms in defense, the fear would have been evident if he wasn’t an emotionless player model. Benrey could see the recognition in everyone else though. 

Coomer let out a beep at him, he beeped back. Tommy waved. Bubby scoffed.

“Okay. Okay on three we rush it.”

Wait no no no hes not dangerous! He just wants to talk to Tommy! A note escaped him.

“Wait no!”

“What?” Gordon whipped his head to Tommy, lowering his weapon.

“That’s green!” Right, Tommy could read the sweet voice! He could help him out!

“What does green mean?”

“Green means He’s not Mean!”

Gordon stared at Tommy, then began to laugh. It was nice. Warm and contagious. He couldn’t hold himself back, he began to giggle. At least as well as he could when his voice replaced with orb. Turns out laughing makes a very high pitched noise, one that he didn’t mind as much as Bubby and Gordon did. He made a soft noise of complaint as they gave chace further into the vents. Only to loose sight of them when he stepped into the wall. He guessed their models didn’t load? A glitch they would need to fix certainly.

He groaned and rubbed his face, a soft stream of orange to pink leaving his skeletal mouth. (orange to red-violet means that I’m very upset) more so at himself. Thinking about fixing bugs at a time like this? 

His minor hiccup caused him a lot of ground, he had to find Tommy, and his method of sticking to the walls wasn’t getting him anywhere. Plus being able to see every inch of the map was really disorienting. 

Popping into the vent and looking down a hole, welp! The best way to find the group is to let them find him! He sung out, hearing Gordon yell. Success!

Tommy was the fastest, sprinting to the vent. He smiled at the skeleton, giving a thumbs up before pointing down the vent. He nodded, then took off, with Tommy giving chase. A good illusion as Gordon poked his head up, watching them run off. 

“Tommy’s got it, I think we’ll be okay.” could be heard in the distance as the rounded another corner.

They sat after a minute of running, the two sat.

“Hi, Benrey!”

Benrey beeped at him in greeting. (Indigo means yo!)

“Are you doing alright? It took you a, uh, awhile to find us!”

He nodded, moving his head upwards, leaving a trail of purple.

“That means you’re okay! I’m glad!” Tommy smiled, offering his hand. Benrey shook his head but scooted towards him, making a motion to ask for a hug. Tommy complied, wrapping the skeleton up in a big hug. 

Benrey sighed an orb of cyan, “Cyan means that uh, you fancy me! B, but its usually platonic!” Tommy smiled wider, pulling away one of his hands to flap a little. “I love you uh, too!! I’m sorry I killed you with the door by the way that wasn’t uh. That wasn’t very nice of me.”

He waves him off, beeping blue. 

“I, I’m guessing you meant the, it’s okay blue and not the. The calm down one?”

He nods. Tommy is so smart man. If this was real life then he would be even happier to be Tommy’s friend.

He wished he knew more about real life.

“So, so what was uh, taking you so long to come back? Was, what do you uh, call it. Respawn? Was it not working?

He shook his head, thinking about how he could begin to express why he was so late. How can you tell a computer that neither of you are real? He grumbled a yellow to gold.

“Yellow to gold that shines bright means that you’re mad and you don’t feel right! You can, I know that it’s hard to uh, talk when you’re skelton but! When you can, can use your voice we can talk more about it! Just, know that I’m- I’m here for you! I should, should probably get back to Mr. Freeman. Just, if you need anything come, find me and I’ll stop whatever I’m doing to, to help! I love you, Benrey!” He gave him a platonic kiss on the boney forehead and got up, waving as we walked away.

He wished Tommy could help. But really, the only one who could was Gordon. For now he’d wait back at the silo doors. Everything would be alright.

He told himself that over and over as he sat on the light fixture, waiting for their return. He felt the time coming, he could return as a human soon. He would be able to talk soon. He could tell Gordon what was happening. Everything would be alright.

He needed to tell him, he though as he jumped off to stand in front of Gordon, surrounded by his friends. He could get help. He had Tommy and he had Gordon. They were smart.

He opened his mouth, ready to plead, beg for Gordon to fix this. To do  _ anything _ .

“Can I see your passport.”

“What did you just fucking say to me?”

“You’re not supposed to be here.”

Gunshots filled his ears. His friends new what do do. It had to be like this for him to come back. 

Why did he say that. Why couldn’t he tell the player. What was happening to him.

He respawned seconds before the game was turned off, plunging him into darkness until the player turned the game back on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you liked! Tell me what I did wrong, any feedback is appreciated as I want to do my best for this fic!!  
> Also there's a tumblr for this fic now!  
> https://hlvrhitg.tumblr.com/  
> There's not much on it currently, but it does have reference for the future designs of this au! I'll be posting update announcements for the fic there until the written part of the au is finished. Then I'll head over there and make it into an ask blog! If you're interested in the future of this story please head over there :D


	3. Letter to the forgotten one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Memories that were better left forgotten.

“Mmnh” Bleary eyes, a runny nose-  J̸̼̖͇̖͇̰͕͙̇̌͆̔̚͠ã̴͓͚͕̂͛̇͑̆͆ŷ̶̛̦̳̬͇̭̰̽  Benrey blinked slowly. 

“God- whyyy do I have to wake up so early. This is sucks.” They stretch, groaning. The darkness of the room making them strain their eyes as they stumble for their lamp.

“Shit-” Hissing as they all but blind themself as they turn it on. 

Scratching their back and sliding their feet to the floor, Benrey takes a moment to take in their surroundings.

It’s just their room. Plain- a shag carpet, plain sheets. An epic gaming rig. The usual. 

This is where they worked from, their home base, their gamer pad. Their parents probably gone for the day- the three who lived in the house were all hard workers after all. 

Opening the blinds and inhaling, Benrey looks into their backyard. 

~bing~

Turning their head towards the computer, they run over. That’s the tone of Job!

See, Benrey was a coder. A fairly famous one at that. They had figured out their own coding language, somehow compatible with HTML. They would get jobs often- people who just wanted to see their work. 

The email they opened read as such:

  
  


Dear Mx  B̵̛̰͎̖͚̮͚̞͇̀̾͊̀̒̕̚͝e̷̡̢̧̟̹̗̅͒͘ň̷̬̙̞͙͉̪̮͚̂͋͋̏̉̐͆̕j̵̫̤̙͓̀̍̓̑̈́͆͗a̴̧̹̭̖͌̈́̿̒̍̽͋͝m̷̯̣̗̲̆͒̊i̷̪͖̮͈͛n̷̡̠̥̬̭̦̤͉̓̀͜ ̶͔̮̮̼̩̏͛̀̋̍L̸͙̗̻̽̄̍͘ò̶̭̙̻͈͚̂̈v̸͍͉͇̲̙̮͋̂͐̇̋͊͌̕͘͜e̴̙̹͐̒͌̚r̴͉̯͎̖͗̒͋:

We are contacting you about a potential job offering, with your specific skillset we believe you would be perfect for the job.

We have seen your work with creating Artificial Intelligence and are interested in hiring you. Our company is attempting to create a game all about teaching and guiding ai through a series of tests.

Your coding style might be what the world is missing. Our world. After doing in depth research on the way your ai evolves. It is much faster than any we’ve seen thus far. If you are interested, please inform us as soon as you can.

Gary Coolatta.

CEO of BMTech.

~~ _I can’t wait to meet you, Benrey._ ~~

Ben hummed. Normally the messages they got were a lot more formal. This mix of fast and unthinking was just their style. Not many people took note of their work with ai either.

Clicking reply, they grinned.

Yo.

Your proposal sounds real interesting. I’d be happy to help. Just name your price.

B̵̛̰͎̖͚̮͚̞͇̀̾͊̀̒̕̚͝e̷̡̢̧̟̹̗̅͒͘ň̷̬̙̞͙͉̪̮͚̂͋͋̏̉̐͆̕j̵̫̤̙͓̀̍̓̑̈́͆͗a̴̧̹̭̖͌̈́̿̒̍̽͋͝m̷̯̣̗̲̆͒̊i̷̪͖̮͈͛n̷̡̠̥̬̭̦̤͉̓̀͜ ̶͔̮̮̼̩̏͛̀̋̍L̸͙̗̻̽̄̍͘ò̶̭̙̻͈͚̂̈v̸͍͉͇̲̙̮͋̂͐̇̋͊͌̕͘͜e̴̙̹͐̒͌̚r̴͉̯͎̖͗̒͋:

Freelance Coder.

Epic gamer.

They laughed as they sent it. If they really wanted Benreys help they had to deal with-

Dear Mx  B̵̛̰͎̖͚̮͚̞͇̀̾͊̀̒̕̚͝e̷̡̢̧̟̹̗̅͒͘ň̷̬̙̞͙͉̪̮͚̂͋͋̏̉̐͆̕j̵̫̤̙͓̀̍̓̑̈́͆͗a̴̧̹̭̖͌̈́̿̒̍̽͋͝m̷̯̣̗̲̆͒̊i̷̪͖̮͈͛n̷̡̠̥̬̭̦̤͉̓̀͜ ̶͔̮̮̼̩̏͛̀̋̍L̸͙̗̻̽̄̍͘ò̶̭̙̻͈͚̂̈v̸͍͉͇̲̙̮͋̂͐̇̋͊͌̕͘͜e̴̙̹͐̒͌̚r̴͉̯͎̖͗̒͋:

We are willing to pay whatever you want. Please take some time to decide on a price.

Gary Coolatta.

CEO of BMTech.

_~~Not like you have much choice in the matter.~~ _

Benrey hummed. Okay- dude got their attention. 

Dear Gary Bajablast

How does 1000 sound

Ben

Lets see how far this’ll go.

Dear Mx  B̵̛̰͎̖͚̮͚̞͇̀̾͊̀̒̕̚͝e̷̡̢̧̟̹̗̅͒͘ň̷̬̙̞͙͉̪̮͚̂͋͋̏̉̐͆̕j̵̫̤̙͓̀̍̓̑̈́͆͗a̴̧̹̭̖͌̈́̿̒̍̽͋͝m̷̯̣̗̲̆͒̊i̷̪͖̮͈͛n̷̡̠̥̬̭̦̤͉̓̀͜ ̶͔̮̮̼̩̏͛̀̋̍L̸͙̗̻̽̄̍͘ò̶̭̙̻͈͚̂̈v̸͍͉͇̲̙̮͋̂͐̇̋͊͌̕͘͜e̴̙̹͐̒͌̚r̴͉̯͎̖͗̒͋:

That sounds perfect. We will send you the details of your first job. You will be making an ai who will have to be able to interact with Valves “Half Life”. 

Preferably using the Barney model.

Thank you for your help. I look forward to speaking with you in person one day.

Gary Coolatta.

CEO of BMTech.

_~~ In person is a bit of a stretch. ~~ _

What.

Okay.

They would’ve done it for 50. Sure ais are complex but Benrey was a cheap hire.

After around 30 minutes they got an email with a link to a document. Simple stuff- Gary summarized it pretty well.

Opening their program, Benrey began to work.

“Their road leads long, readers. This job will break them. The code they write will forever be entwined with their genetics.  B̵̛̰͎̖͚̮͚̞͇̀̾͊̀̒̕̚͝e̷̡̢̧̟̹̗̅͒͘ň̷̬̙̞͙͉̪̮͚̂͋͋̏̉̐͆̕j̵̫̤̙͓̀̍̓̑̈́͆͗a̴̧̹̭̖͌̈́̿̒̍̽͋͝m̷̯̣̗̲̆͒̊i̷̪͖̮͈͛n̷̡̠̥̬̭̦̤͉̓̀͜ ̶͔̮̮̼̩̏͛̀̋̍L̸͙̗̻̽̄̍͘ò̶̭̙̻͈͚̂̈v̸͍͉͇̲̙̮͋̂͐̇̋͊͌̕͘͜e̴̙̹͐̒͌̚r̴͉̯͎̖͗̒͋ Will become Benrey. This job will lead them to meet friends- make enemies.

I regret it. Really I do. They were friends with my son, and I did something terrible.”

The soft blue of his eyes shows deep regret. Gary Coolatta- GMan- really does regret it. But this is how the story must go.

“The time they spend in Black Mesa is short. Only 5 arcs long. But they will never be the same.”

He walks backward, letting darkness consume him.

“This has never been a happy story.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry it’s been so long since I’ve updated, and apologies for such a short chapter! I am not joking when I say my computer decided it wanted to catch on fire just a bit! (Only smoked, we plan on getting it fixed soon).  
> The italic/strike through text isn’t written, it’s thought.  
> Tell me what you liked!! Tell me what I did wrong!!! I love any comments I get!!!


	4. Enter: Benrey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gordon starts Chapter 2. Benrey comes back. Minor tw for slight panic (Gordon gets overwhelmed at the fast pace of the game) and unintentional misgendering (Benrey starts using they/them pronouns for themself but Gordon doesn’t know, only happens a small amount)

Gordon hummed gently as he held the VR set in his hands, that pre stream anxious jitters coursing through him. Apparently, people really seemed to enjoy the first stream after he edited it all up and slapped it on YouTube.

He looked at his viewer count and began to sweat a bit.

This is gonna be fun.

He put on the headset, snuggled his headphones on, grabbed the controllers then waved at one of the helpers.

A short introduction, an apology about not being able to interact with the chat, then he lay on his back as the game loaded in.

“Gordon?”

“Hello Gordon, are you awake?”

Bubby and Coomer. Wonderful. Gordon sat up with a groan, that’s right he’s playing a character hang on-

“It wasn’t a dream,” he groaned in the most groggy voice he could muster. “It was real that’s-“ he points at the skeleton model. “That’s real right. You guys can see that?”

“The wall is very real, Gordon!”

Great. Either something fucked up with the visuals or the ai were fucking with him. He hangs his head a bit.

“Wait I. I fell asleep in the other room did you guys drag me here?”

“Yes!” Bubby grinned.

“No.” Coomer huffed.

“We rolled you like a barrel!” Bubby boasted.

“Well, maybe they did.” Coomer sighed.

“Why would you, why didn’t you just wait for me to wake up?”

“B, Because we wanna go home, Mr Freeman!” Tommy said. The skeleton was looking at something, a small bit of graffiti.

“Fine it’s- fine just. Make sure you’re careful doing that I guess.” He stared at the large barricade in front of them-  _ why does VR have to take so much physical effort _ He complained in his head.

Thank god Coomer likes to punch shit. And. Thank god Bubby found a crowbar somewhere?

After getting through and a brief encounter with a few headcrabs (Fine shooting, Gordon!), an infected scientist (NUT UP OR SHUT UP!), another encounter with the skeleton (Look Gordon, tools!) combined with an explosive barrel (Look out Gordon! Explosives!), the group was ready to head on. The silo began to beep as Tommy pressed down the lever, a small flash of panic before Gordon saw the elevator open.

Apparently Tommy had something about ladders. And something aBOUT PRESSING BUTTONS “NO NO TOMMY-“ he had jumped forward, avatar landing hard on the platform. He could’ve sworn he almost felt that. Coomer had hopped down too, Bubby was stuck.

Or not! Apparently the whole group was here now. How did they not question getting randomly teleported to him…

That thought was put out of his mind when Tommy told him “I’m sorry Mr Freeman, about the elevator. Time moved faster for me then.”

A small threat, a destroyed safety rail, a bhopping Tommy, a hole, another rope, Coomers allergy, killing a skeleton.

It was all blending together as that sense of being overwhelmed filled Gordons senses. They talked about Osha maybe? The beasts? Coomer jumped into the pit of slime and died (maybe).

He guessed the ai could respawn.

That skeleton was there. It shot back him this time.

They kept running around getting in to danger. They were never scared. They kept pointing guns at him. It was almost like he could feel it when he got hit. They activated the fuel. They activated the oxy.

The skeleton came back.

It had a message.

Did they have access to the fucking  _ Vox?? _

He overreacted to hearing about passport inspection to be fair, the music dono hadn’t helped with that. 

The skeleton left pretty quick.

When did Coomer harvest a rope? Bubby too??

Tommy disarmed the explosive this time.

They talked about Dysentery. “Good news, Gordon! The cybernetics department replaceded my colon!”

He was loosing it.

Benrey sat, twisting their hands together as they waited for Gordon to turn the elevator back on. They couldn’t remember much but, they remembered the game. It hurt to think about- so they didn’t. They just thought about Gordon. The player.

Okay maybe it was hard to not think about.

It was. Difficult to accept- and it was easier when they couldn’t talk. Even after getting shot by the guy Benrey still wanted to know him. He was, potentially, the only one who could fix this.

The lights activated and down Benrey went. 

“Hey!” Gordon sounded mad.

Hi hi please help please help I’m not supposed to be here I’m not supposed to be this I-

“Hey you’re not supposed to be in here.” They deadpanned. God please I just wanna talk I wanna say what I’m thinking please please I can’t do this I 

“What are you doing here?”

Gordon lifted his piece of metal.

“bruh. You are actively impeding my progress.”

Benrey raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

He brought it down on their head, Benrey backed up a bit in surprise. It. It still didn’t hurt. Gordon glowered at Benrey.

“Get the fuck back. I’m not taking your shit anymore, man.” He was standing at his full height. Benrey looked him over quickly. He. Why was there words on Gordons hand? They kept moving. They were yelling Benreys name in all caps. Benrey sounded sad.

“Did you just hit me?”

“I  _ did. I did just hit you I’m  _ sick  _ of you. _ I’m not going to passport inspection are you here to take me to passport inspection? Is that why you’re back?  **_I thought you died!_ ** ”

So it was the passports. That wasn’t even  _ them  _ Benrey just tried to talk at Gordon and someone decided it’d be funny to be like  _ oough uhhhhgh pass port inspection funny haha _ . 

“Yeah so?”

They made eye contact as the Vox beeped to life.

“Gordon Freeman. You are wanted for, pass port inspection.”

_ God fucking damnit Bubby they love you but this is not helping this is making it worse you’re n _ -

“You hear that?”

“Yes. I do hear that.”

“They know you’re here.” The chat was yelling at Gordon. Be nice to Benrey. Benrey doesn’t get it. “You’re not ‘suposed to be here.” His tone turned mildly pleading. Gordon let out a weak chuckle.

“What do you want me to do?”

“You wanna stop moving? Why are you avoiding eye contact.”

The other wheezed. “I’m looking at my buddies-“ was Benrey not a buddy? “What do you want me to do, lay down and die?” The rest of his words were drowned out by Benreys thoughts.

No no no don’t die don’t die you’re the only person who can help me please please be-

“Yeah sure. Yeah.”

Gordon wheezed.

“I’m not about to do that.”

Benrey pauses, then clears their throat.

“Yeah. Yeah well. I’m gonna have to follow you then. Make sure you’re not gonna steal any more, carts like you did earlier.”

Gordon kept looking between the science team and them. Pointing.

“Are you on his side?”

They looked uncomfortable.

“Gordon, is there a problem? I would like to get moving!”

Coomer was a blessing.

“We outnumber this guy  _ 4  _ to  _ 1. _ ”

And apparently Gordon wants to kill them.

The Vox clicked to life again- Benrey flinched and glanced at Bubby.

“Gordon Freeman. You are. wanted. Immediately.”

“See that’s what, what happens you just gotta stop acting up.”

Benrey paused at their words, why did. That didn’t feel directed at Gordon. Acting up. They shuffled as Gordon made everyone get on the elevator- were they. Talking to themself?

Well, that thought would certainly have to wait, Black Mesa was dangerous, even if you can respawn like they can. Case in point- plunging straight into a vat of nuclear waste.

Also, Benrey did  _ not _ push Gordon the dude walked into  _ them _ and almost knocked them over so No it wasn’t Benreys fault.

“This man is a lazy layabout!”

Gordon held back a laugh as Bubby held a gun to the back of a “Coomer Clones” head. 

“Hey man I saw you earlier at lunch you owe me. Three dollars.” And while Gordon was a little frustrated by the way Benrey usually acted, he could always pull some funny bits. They were bits to Gordon.

“You have the three dollars?” Benrey pulled a gun on the clone. “You’re really gonna kill him f- you’ve killed for less haven’t you.” If Gordon could see more than the basic models a small flash of Hurt would have been present in Benreys eyes as they lowered their weapon. 

“Nevermind were friends.”

BANG

“He owed me 5!”

“Another clone defeated. My power grows, Gordon!”

Ok. Benrey was a great addition to the group. Gordon was doing his best to stop himself from cackling- but small laughs escaped him still. He may have been antagonizing Benrey but that doesn’t mean out of character he doesn’t like him. In reality, Gordon smiles.

In their own reality, Benrey frowns.

They’re going to get out of here, one way or another. They just hope Gordon will help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yahoo!! Update!! I basically just turned off my brain- Benrey coming back was basically taken word for word from the actual video!  
> Tell me what you liked, tell me what I did wrong! I cry every time I get a comment


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